MORE NEWS FROM THE CATHEDRAL CLOSE
Well - in the last issue we referred to the fact that the people of East Kent are living in interesting times and as this week's column goes to press this continues to be the case. Readers may be aware that the local Church Commissioners publish a monthly news sheet, called the East Kent Health News. This publication, locally known as The Beano, is always full of good news. It is actually quite a cheering comic because to read it you would never be aware of the many challenges that the Church faces in East Kent. (Ed.If any member of the congregation wants a jolly good laugh, it's well worth picking up a copy of the Beano in the local supermarket.) However, this month we wish to record a first. The March edition of the Beano has finally come out and admitted that there may be a bit of a problem because the local churches are not coping with the numbers of emergency worshippers. This change in editorial policy has staggered local parishioners and the Cathedral Canons alike.
"Well - fancy that Spokesperson finally admitting that what we have been saying for the past twelve months is true," said Mrs B - a local member of the Mothers' Union who does not wish to be identified. The Beano reports that, at the last meeting of the SCCC, (the sub committee, appointed by Sir William Pitts to implement the closure of the Cathedral) a "full and frank report" was submitted that outlined the problems the clergy face in implementing the services across the diocese. The SCCC are said to have accepted the advice from the joint authors of the report, Dr Noel 'Paddleyourowncanoe' and Mrs Christine 'Sidesman', that A&Es and MAAUs are not designed to be used as pews. This piece of earth shattering information could make all the difference to decisions that the SCCC take in future.
It is comforting to reflect that evidence based theology is alive and flourishing in East Kent. However readers will be pleased to note that just because the front page of the Beano identifies a bit of a problem, this does not mean that there is not the usual attempt at unctuous EKHA babble from the Spokesperson for the Church Commissioners. In a section entitled BALANCE, the following paragraph appears: "Here in East Kent, balance is something we know about - balancing resources, balancing parishioners' needs, balancing staff and balancing public criticism with the reality." The article goes on to suggest that the problems with services are due to national skill shortages - in particular the shortages of Angels. The Mothers' Union is highly incensed by the article in the March Beano. Members note that, as ever, resources are the most important item to be balanced and they resent the suggestion that public criticism is not related to reality.
"And another thing" said Mrs B "Have you noticed how they keep changing the reasons for things going wrong. First it's global warming and the weather, then it's floods and then it's the flu outbreak. Now that the weather's getting better, the waters have receded, and everyone knows there hasn't been a major flu epidemic this year, they say there is a national shortage of Angels. We, in the Mothers Union, think its just not good enough and we are going to speak out whether they like it or not." The shortage of Angels is an interesting reflection on the accuracy of reporting in the Beano. Only a couple of months ago an article in the aforementioned publication informed local churchgoers that recruitment of Angels was proceeding apace and that the local churches were now much better staffed!! A new document has recently been published by the Church Commissioners called "Skating Backwards".
This fascinating publication has been widely criticised in the press by local MPs who say that it is clear that an increase in the number of pews is not envisaged. Many of them are questioning why the Commissioners have decided to spend £105 million to reduce pew capacity and leave the Cathedral faithful to find their way on foot to the parish churches at opposite ends of the diocese. All the MPs identified major increases in the number of complaints that parishioners were making about the services. Local Councillors have also criticised "Skating Backwards" because the Church Commissioners stand accused yet again of altering the population figures to make the case for change. It is believed that the numbers of the Cathedral congregation have been deliberately reduced. A spokeswoman said that the Councillors were entitled to their views and that she did not wish to comment except to say that everybody knew that Ramsgate was the biggest town in East Kent. In another first, "Skating Backwards" finally comes clean and admits that a third of the Cathedral site is to be sold for housing purposes. Several local builders in the past claimed to have seen the plans for the Cathedral site, but these have always been strenuously denied by the Commissioners.
Mr Richard Minimols says, "Although in reasonable condition, the Cathedral is extremely inefficient and difficult to heat. Also, the aisles are so long that people have to walk too far when they come to services." It is understood that a sizeable profit will be made on the sale of the land, which could be used to offset the cost of the Commissioners' Christmas party. (Ed.Whoopee - we may get another good news story for the Beano). Mr Roger Wind MP (Con) was unavailable for comment but is said to be delighted. He is thought to be busy lobbying for the election date to be deferred. Meanwhile it has been firmly denied by Minimols that the title "Skating Backwards" has anything to do with the rather thin ice that the Commissioners find themselves on at present. In a recent adjournment debate on the NHS in East Kent, the Minister for Health the Right Honourable Grizelda Stewpot, said that things in East Kent were not as black as they were sometimes painted.
On the other hand, the bad experiences of local people in East Kent were convincing evidence that change was needed in East Kent and the Cathedral should be closed. Grizelda went on to say that despite the large number of complaints these must be put in perspective. Several Angels had received a half pound box of Milk Tray and some cards which showed that there was a lot of local support for the changes that the Government were enacting in East Kent. Widely held local views that Sir William Pitts is to retire at the end of March have been denied. He is apparently to have a changing role, which is outlined on p71 of the NHS Plan.
Quite what this future role will be is not clear but local suggestions are many and varied. The Mothers' Union has also been very critical of a reduction in the numbers of parishioners attending services on a short stay basis. Speaking on behalf of the SCCC, Mr Mike Luckless (he drew the short straw on the Spokesperson's day off) is reported in the local paper as saying that the figures were incorrect. "East Kent, compared with the rest of the country, is still ministering to substantially larger numbers of the faithful than elsewhere" he said. Parishioners who have had their attendances cancelled several times at short notice are querying the accuracy of this statement. "Plans for the transfer of the COOP choir to the Cathedral proceed apace. The Canons have been very concerned that the Choir stalls will be overcrowded, but the Commissioners are adamant." It is important that this move takes place," said the Spokesperson "because it is part of "Skating Backwards" and also because the Minister said at the Adjournment Debate that this would happen" This column started by saying that we live in interesting times.
We sure do - so keep watching this space!!
NEWS FROM THE CLOSE
As we approach the season of Lent, the stormy situation in relation to the closure of the cathedral continues unabated. Costs spiralling upwards in association with reduction in standards of services are causing alarm and despondency. The approaching elections to the General Synod are beginning to create anxiety in those seeking re-election. Claims and counter claims continue as everyone seeks to blame everyone else for the high old mess that currently exists in the diocese. Readers will recall that the Church Commissioners are seeking to close the cathedral and re-locate the choirs and the church silver to the local parish churches in Ashford and Margate.
The Canons are currently resisting the relocation because at present it is impossible to see how the faithful can be fitted into the services of these two churches because there are simply not enough pews. At the time of the consultation, figures for the costs of closing the cathedral were challenged on numerous occasions, but the Commissioners were adamant that the cost of change would be around £50 million. This cost included the purchase of two new church bells, which one of the Commissioners said he would be able to buy for £500,000.Alas this undoubtedly laudable aim has proved to be somewhat more costly than originally outlined. At the time of the consultation, there were many members of the congregation who felt that £50 million was rather a lot of money to spend on building up two parish churches and closing a perfectly good cathedral.
These worshippers who did not at the time regard the Commissioners' plans as value for money, are not now particularly enthused to hear that the costs have more than doubled and that £100 million is now required to undertake the work. Inevitably this has led to allegations of creative accounting by the Commissioners - however, these allegations in turn do not seem to be leading to the sort of sleaze investigation so beloved of our political leaders!!
A former member of the Church Commissioners has recently pointed out that the cost of borrowing the £100 million is likely to be excessive and notes that with no increase in the number of pews the plan is unlikely to provide value for money. The Church Commissioners claim to be investing £100 million pounds in the rebuilding of Margate and Ashford Parish churches, despite the fact that many members of the congregation feel that the costs are beginning to escalate out of hand. "Where's it all going to end" asked an elderly parishioner, "Its all very well but the services at the moment are completely hopeless. You turn up for matins and you can't get in. We often have to listen to the service in cold and draughty corners of the cathedral close and its not the same as it used to be in the old days." The Commissioners deny that the service has changed for the worst (Ed... sorry - Freudian slip) worse!! "Really this is all a storm in a teacup" said a spokesperson. "We put out kneelers (which are just as comfortable as pews) for any overflow congregation, and we do feel that it is just a teensy bit ungrateful for worshippers to complain that they have to listen to the service in draughty corridors. We are doing the best that we can but unfortunately most of our problems can be put down to the weather which has been awful lately.
First we had snow, and then we had floods and its amazing that we've managed to hold any services at all. "She declined to comment on the fact that protesters had always maintained that relocation of services might be affected by adverse weather conditions. There has been considerable interest in the emerging situation in the National Press with headline articles in, amongst others, the Sun. Complaints are rising and the beleaguered management are having to explain the reasons for the difficulties with the services. Their explanations are not always entirely convincing, and are beginning to sound a note of desperation. Poor old Per Ardua ad Astley looked extremely uncomfortable on Meridian television the other night, as he trotted out the party line that all the current difficulties were being caused by recent changes to the climate because of global warming.
Luckily for him, the programme was on Meridian, so probing questions about recent pew closures and the proposed decanting of the Choir of the Older Person (the COOP Choir) from Nunnery Fields to the cathedral were not asked. In the meantime, the clergy across the diocese met to discuss the current problems. They discussed their inability to run services for the faithful at the present time. This resulted in 80 of them recording a vote of no confidence in the Church Commissioners. This vote was taken by clergy throughout the diocese and it is clear that some of the parish staff from Ashford and Margate are becoming increasingly concerned at the impact that the Commissioners plans are having on their services. Quite where all this leading is not clear but there is no doubt that the Church is living in stirring times. As the General Synod elections loom there is much disquiet amongst the Commissioners. Watch this space!
NEWS FROM THE CATHEDRAL CLOSEÊ
The Church of England was shocked to awake to yet further headlines in the local press about the proposed reduction of the cathedral to parish church status. The head of the local office of the Church Commissioners Mr David Per Ardua ad Astley has slammed into local worshippers who wish to preserve the status quo."These people are doing enormous damage to the future of this great building" he said. "The continual denigration of the efforts of the Commissioners is becoming a little wearing. I am aware of the bloodletting that went on in the past but we must look to the future. I am very hopeful of a successful bid for £100 million pounds which will enable us to repair the lead on the cathedral roof. It is absolutely essential that this important bid is not disrupted in any way by disaffected members of the congregation". Local worshippers themselves are somewhat indignant at the comments made about them.
Mr.A. N. Other who did not wish to be identified said "I only wished to continue to go to services in the cathedral as I always have. Personally I think the whole thing is a load of bloody nonsense. In the old days they used to manage the Cathedral roof repairs perfectly well out of the collection. It was only when they brought that Tank Commander in to manage the maintenance that things started to go wrong". Per Ardua is particularly critical of the leaking of a document which asked members of the choir if they felt that their singing would be affected if they were no longer able to rehearse in Canterbury.
"This document should never have been widely publicised" he says. "It was a private 'For Your Eyes Only' document which was meant to demonstrate that the Church Commissioners are entirely committed to repairing the lead on the roof of the Cathedral. It is after all a great building which attracts 2 million visitors a year and we should not be criticised just because we are no longer holding full choral evensong there! Enough is enough and I expect all this carping to stop immediately". The leaked document posed the question 'If the Cathedral closes and you are no longer able to rehearse there, how will this affect your services?'. Not surprisingly most of the congregation and some of the Canons, believe that this is an indication that the Commissioners definitely mean to close the Cathedral and turn it into housing as previously suggested by Mr Roger Wind. "Not so" said Per Ardua robustly! "This document was clearly intended to demonstrate to the Treasury and absolutely everyone else that we will keep the Cathedral open".
Unfortunately, this column can report that, due to the secret nature of the document and contrary to the management view,Ê the congregation has no clear understanding that the primary intention is to save the Cathedral at all costs. In the meantime the Seniors' Choir which used to sing in the old converted Poor Law Workhouse in Nunnery Fields is preparing to move up to the Cathedral in early summer this year .The COOP Choir will be singing for some of the services in place of the main choir. Further reports will follow.
January 2001
MORE FROM THE CATHEDRAL CLOSE
It is some time since we have brought you any ecclesiastical news but as we approach the great festival of Christmas it seems important to assess the progress of the great ecumenical movement known as 'Tomorrow's Healthcare' As those of you who keep up to date with matters spiritual will be aware, the Regional Office of the Church Commissioners have decided to rationalise the East Kent congregations and downgrade the cathedral. The decision was taken to ensure that young priests were given vocational training at the parishes of Ashford and Margate as decreed by the Think Tank Commander, Mr Mark Outhwaite. His plan has been heartily endorsed by Sir William Pitts, the Chairman of the Church Commissioners. "The plan is progressing rather well" said a Spokesperson for the Commisioners.
"The people in East Kent will shortly be seeing very real benefits in the organisation of their worship. For example, in the early days many fears were raised by the local population that they might have to wait longer to get married or buried. Although we do have one minor hiccough in that people are now having to wait for eighteen months to go to confession, this long wait will only continue until the year 2005.At that time, as long as there are no major influenza outbreaks or loss of senior clergy to the service, we hope that people will be able to see the confessor of their choice within 15 months. We believe that this is one of the most startling improvements brought about by the new ecumenism that is permeating throughout the churches of East Kent".
The knotty problem of the dispersal of the choirs to Thanet and Ashford has not yet been resolved. The Church Commissioners have been surprised to discover that there was a choral interdependency in East Kent and that it was very difficult to provide stand alone treble services at Margate Church. It is becoming apparent that hymns do not sound so good unless the trebles are supported by tenors and basses. Unfortunately the Church Commissioners had planned to send this arm of the choir to Ashford Church which is 40 miles away.
At present, the much vaunted solution of telemedicine does not seem to be helping to support the musical life of the churches. So for the time being, the choir continues to sing services in Canterbury but inevitably the confusion has caused some of them to sing a bit flat on occasion. The anthem 'I waited for the Lord' has been banned because the choir kept breaking into giggles during its performance. Instead it has been decreed that each service should commence with 'O God our help in ages past' and end with Sir William Pitts arrangement of 'Onward East Kent Soldiers'.
Local MP Mr Roger Wind has been extremely quiet lately. He is understood to be convalescing from a slight indisposition brought on by several of his elderly Herne Bay constituents writing to tell him that they would not be voting for him at the next General Election. Although he still wholeheartedly supports ecumenism, he is beginning to feel a little concerned that his own status in the community may have been irrevocably damaged by his stance on developing new housing in the cathedral close.
One of the new anxieties that seems to be emerging is that there are far to many worshippers in East Kent. Even with the Cathedral open and functioning it is clear that there are not enough pews for all the people who wish to come and hear the choirs sing. Many people who have attended services have had to stand all night because of the shortage of pews. This problem is however being addressed said the spokesperson. "We are buying large numbers of additional pews and we will be able to admit many more worshippers to the services if only the Canons operate the services efficiently. Some worshippers of course may have to be sent home early if too many come on the same day. Worshippers are being encouraged to be responsible and to recognise that they must not overburden the system".
The Church Commissioners have installed a helpline called 'Heaven Direct' which is manned by Angels. These expert members of the heavenly host give up to date information about where to go to get the first appointment for confession and let people know if there is any point in attending the service on a particular day. The new ecumenism or 'One Family' as Mr Outhwaite likes to refer to it, is becoming a reality in East Kent. There has been one small change in that it now seems to be recognised that the Cathedral is in the centre of East Kent. It has become the preferred venue for all ecumenical gatherings of the 'family'.
It will of course be remembered that in the past the Church Commissioners had indicated that Canterbury was nearer to Margate than Margate was to Canterbury. The fleets of bicycles promised to the congregation have not yet materialised and, to make matters worse, travel in any direction in East Kent has been made extremely difficult by recent closures to the main roads because of flooding. Mr Osmolski (on behalf of the Commissioners) says that this does not really matter. "We are managing to get our managers to meetings at the centre by using lifeboats, which is the important thing" .He added "We will sort out the problems for the congregation in due course. I envisage that we may put in a bid for some Lottery Funding so that water wings can be supplied to rural communities who wish to attend services".
With regard to the Cathedral Bells, the Church Commissioners have decided to support the need for new bells at the Cathedral. These are costing considerably more than first estimated by Mr Osmolski who is on record as saying that he could buy two for half a million. However amid all the other enormous costs of the introduction of ecumenism, this has gone largely unnoticed. Bellringers unfortunately are in short supply. It appears that there is a national shortage of these personnel, and to date there has not been a vast enthusiasm to come and ring bells without some supporting infrastructure. The plan to have a support team of Cub Scouts to ring the bells is being urgently re-examined. Future updates will appear at regular intervals.
Watch this space.
' CATHEDRAL TO CLOSE' SHOCK
Lambeth Palace stunned the ecclesiastical world today and announced that Canterbury Cathedral was to be down graded in a 'rationalisation of church services in East Kent' following a detailed review conducted by the Church Commissioners. "We have been concerned about the training of young priests for some time" said the spokesperson, Alison Thickerthanmost and we feel that this move will produce real benefits for the people of East Kent".
Basically the plans allow for the Cathedral site to be converted into a new, state of the art, management centre for church administration, with some land to be sold off for a housing development. "We will be building up the Parish churches in Thanet and Ashford to cope. However, the fact of the matter is," continued the same spokesperson, "that there are too many churches in East Kent. Using each of the churches in Thanet and Ashford in a more concentrated manner will allow is to bring many efficiencies of service. Financial considerations have not been a driving force in developing these plans." She denied there would be increased delays for weddings and funerals as a result. The delay of funerals over the last winter was due to an exceptional number of deaths associated with the influenza epidemic and should not be used as a factor in estimating pew capacity. Senior clerics at the Cathedral were dismayed. "This is a recipe for chaos" one upset Cannon, who declined to be named for fear of reprisal, commented. "I believe this is a direct consequence of the adverse publicity brought about on the Cathedral by the activities of Dean Hewitt in the 1950's, which had political consequences which are now being repaid by an angry Labour party!" Of most concern is the loss of the special facilities of the Cathedral, such as the choir.
"This is not a problem", the spokesperson went on to say, " We plan to move the Trebles to Margate, the Tenors to Ashford and the Baritones to Maidstone. With such talent moving to strengthen the surrounding choirs, the overall standard of singing in these congregations will improve. With teleconferencing we will be able to bring them all together to sing on television for special services. We will have a whole Network of Choir Services"..
Local clergy in Thanet declined to comment about the rumours that they were already unable to recruit full choirs to their churches. However, angry choirmasters in Canterbury alleged that the only way some choirs in Thanet had been able to recruit any members was because of joint membership of choirs in Canterbury. Local MP Roger Wind claimed that "the plans are a tremendous leap forward. We need to be thinking of the exciting developmental opportunity ahead, rather than the dwelling on the history of the past. While there is a Cathedral left standing in Canterbury, the churches in Thanet will suffer and I will not rest until the site has been converted into a Housing Development." Protesters in Canterbury claimed that the 100,000 extra population planned for Ashford will cause all the planning behind these moves to be called into doubt.
"Not true" said the spokesperson. "As the new population in Ashford will all be young families we do not anticipate that they will go to church at all and so they will have no bearing on the equation." Villagers representing the 300,000 population in the middle of East Kent expressed outrage at the difficulties of getting to Ashford or Thanet by public transport. "We have considered that", went on the spokesperson, "The map we have produces shows convincingly that Canterbury is much closer to Thanet than Thanet is to Canterbury. We will also be providing fleets of bicycles for people in the villages to get to Ashford or Thanet, which will make them spiritually fitter as well so they will not need the church services anyway". She did admit that in the short term some people might die en route but eventually that will lead to a fitter population, who again will have no need of the Funeral services department of the churches. Sir William Pitts, the chairman of the Regional Office of the Church Commissioners, said these plans were nothing to do with him. "This has all been worked out at a local level and anyway, the Secretary of State, whom I advise, has already said that these plans will go through." He denied that anybody who objects, or interferes, will be made an example of.
A remaining problem to be resolved seems to be the replenishment of the Cathedral Bells. At over £1 million per bell, moving them will be uneconomic and they are too big to be moved into the facilities in Ashford or Thanet. "We are currently thinking of having unmanned bells in the Cathedral and anyone who needs to hear them can come over to Canterbury where we will have a full support team of Cub Scouts to operate them", said the spokesperson. "Again these bells will fit into a Network of Church bells for the whole of Kent and will be used to complement the facilities in Maidstone."
The debate continues.